OKay, I’m completely updating. Sorry it’s been so long- so I’ll post my myspace posts on here starting now….

Holidays at Home
Current mood: amused
Category: Religion and Philosophy

For the most part, I’m highly satisfied with the events that transpired over the holidays. I got to see Joe, Emily, Tim, Bonnie, Lee, Susannah, Bonnie G., my cousins, my nieces and nephew, my brothers and my grandmother (essential since she has been in and out of the hospital lately). I spent time walking the giant dog, watching every Christmas movie I could get my hands on, and being chased by animals while running. I also read a lot and played the piano every day and reveled in the smell of garlands and Christmas spirit. Here are some quotes to spread that holiday cheer along….

My favorite things this season:

“Katherine’s hitting every one! If I didn’t know any better, I’d have to say she’s played the Wii before…”

“If I did find $20, it’s not like I’d give it back to you. I’d defintiely keep it.”

“So our dessert options are as follows: coconut cake, yellow cake with chocolate icing, carrot cake, cookies, homemade candy.” “What about diabetes? Is that an option?”

“Are you aware of how many dangerous dogs are left out?I had a chihuahua on me for a quarter mile!”

Christmas Vacation, Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas Carol, The Grinch who Stole Christmas, Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special, A Christmas Story (I think the bits and pieces added up to watching it twice on TNT), some weird Lifetime movie marathon

“I think we should remove the hardware before we prime.”

“Straight Johnny Walker would be excellent. Never mind, Mom is watching, water it down.”

” I have no Christmas Spirit left. So please don’t tell me how great this holiday is. I just want it to be over.”

“Is there someone special in your life?”

“It’s the only time of the year when there’s a good chance you’re going to be trapped in a house with most of your family for hours and hours. Even if we try to be dishonest, at some point the honesty will seep through. And that will equal disaster.”

“Do these dashboard hula girls actually hula?”

“I’m sorry, but “bobbing for apples” as a Club Cranium card is just wrong. Acting that out makes it worse.”

“So two people with master’s degrees can’t figure out what “Arrrrrt!” is?”

“What are you doing in Target the night before Christmas Eve?”

“I deal with it by smiling and nodding. A lot. Maybe an excessive amount. I might tone down the smiling and nodding and add in monosyllables this year.”

“You have to have a degree to be a librarian?”

I think I had already warned my friend I was going to blog about this, but I’m definitely changing names and details to protect the innocent, and the not so innocent. Last night we’re playing catch up, and “Laurie” (androgynous enough, you think?) confesses that during their marriage, his/her spouse would not French-kiss them. Middle school is what you’re thinking right now, but bear with me. I was horrified, because I’ve known “Laurie” for years and had no idea that this was going on. It’s obviously not about the kissing, because if both partners agree on it, it’s not a big deal. To me, it was about the spouse’s unwillingness to try it because of an experience they had in high school with a bad kisser. It was about not trusting their partner enough to do something new, or try something again with a new partner. “Laurie” was talking about how this should have been a sign (there were many) that they weren’t on a level playing field and I completely agreed. We talked about the 10/90 theory- if it’s good, it’s 10% of a relationship, but if it’s bad, it’s going to be 90%.

When I think about what I want out of a relationship, what I want is a partner I’m on equal terms with. Someone that I trust enough to be vulnerable with, that I’m willing to go out on a limb for, and that I’m willing to try new things with. For “Laurie” their partner wouldn’t do this- the control issue got in the way on a regular basis in their marriage, and eventually it failed. So we got through that conversation and then “Laurie” wanted to talk about my love life. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?

For me, this year has been amazing. I’ve gained such a huge amount of insight into who I’m becoming and determined that it’s not so bad. While I’m always writing,I really like what I’m writing now, and I’m looking for ways to put it out there instead of letting those ways appear to me. I’m running races (which it turns out I love) and spending time with friends, and really being happy for those who have found what they want in their life- whether that’s moving to Rome or adding a baby to their family. There are so many great things going on. Change is always hard but I told “Laurie” that I’m starting to really like who I’m becoming. And that one day, someone would see me for everything I am, and decide that they want to be with me. Decide that my good points, like always being up for an adventure, smiling a lot, loving the beach and the lake, speaking French when highly intoxicated, keeping secrets indefinitely, folding laundry perfectly, would outweigh my bad points- over scheduling, being late to things, singing loudly in the car, having an obsession with NPR, and feeling the need to do the Sprinkler when dancing with Cat or Jess. The best part? I’m okay with waiting for that moment. We can’t control everything in our lives, and letting go of that is one of the scariest moments I can think of. It reminds me of diving in the Quarry- where just for a moment, you’re suspended off the rock face, and you don’t know what’s going to happen as you tumble down towards the water. But, for some reason, you have faith and trust that you’re probably going to be all right. And it’s this that I’m working with. I’m so happy about having an opportunity to completely change my path, about the excitement of looking for a job and not knowing where I’m going to end up.

It’s so frightening to be honest with yourself and with others. But as this year winds down, I want to thank you so much- thank you for being a friend (isn’t that the theme song from Golden Girls?), thank you for listening, for taking me out, for hanging out on the couch watching movies or my dvr (please, no judging), for being everything amazing that I could ask for out of friends. You will never know the depths to which I love you all, but I do. Even as I write this, I’m smiling like an insane person. Mostly because I’m thinking of really hilarious quotes and moments from this year, but also because I’m so happy that you are my friends, that you trust me to come over to your apartments/homes in the middle of the night, or discuss some ridiculous Lifetime movie over coffee. That you want me to come see you abroad (and I will!), that you give me a place to stay in New York, that you let me be a part of your weddings, that you’ll spend three hours on the phone with me talking about nothing or everything. Also, thanks for reading this blog. I keep up with the views (I can’t see who reads it but I can see how many of your do), and obviously no one random cares what I think.

Yes, I’m aware that this is a really long blog, but it’s heading towards Christmas and y’all know how ridiculously sentimental I am underneath the calm, level exterior. Or at least I try to give the impression of a calm, level, exterior….

Last night I told my final story for storytelling class. It was a personal narrative, which may or may not have been a good idea (yet to be determined). It was about love, and tryst, and getting pulled for the first time. And everyone laughed at the right times, and everyone was sad at the right times, but it felt like I was reliving a high school weekend.

I think that what I didn’t consider before was what it would be like sharing something so personal that I had not really shared with that many people before. I didn’t think about the implications or exposing yourself to people. Not that it was bad, but I haven’t felt that vulnerable in a while. It is a very funny story, and one that has a lot of heart and warmth in it, but it is also the story of a love gone terribly awry and mistakes that I made at 17 I don’t think I would make now.

People enjoy my stories because they’re so ridiculous. I have to say what’s strange is how true they are. How I rarely have to exaggerate or embellish the facts. Last night I actually edited out parts of the story that I wasn’t ready to deal with, even ten years removed. It was by far the most difficult of the stories I have told. I don’t know where I got the courage to do it.

It also makes me think about what kind of person I was then, compared to who I am now. I wonder if I’ve even changed that much. I’m still most likely to get involved in ridiculous situations, still fairly narcissistic, and still just as emotional, though I’m better at hiding it now. I get involved in things I shouldn’t be, and with people I should leave alone. I want everything to be good and right in my life even though I know that’s not feasible or really desirable. I wish the story of my family were different. I wish there were things that happened in high school that I could change or take back.

But part of growing up is accepting the serenity prayer- that you can’t undo what is done, you can just hope that the next time goes better. I hope that next time I make the right choices and feel good about myself the next day. I’m trying as hard as I know how not to screw up at this point and to follow the path I think I’m supposed to but it’s not easy. Now I know why I’m back here, however. I had a small moment of clarity last night in which I realized that moving back was the right decision. No matter how much i miss NYC, without it I can see what I was using the city to hide. I was hiding things that I didn’t want to deal with underneath skyscrapers and homeless people. I pretended everything was perfect when it wasn’t. And I won’t make that mistake again. Or maybe I will, and it will become another story.