Art of Good Intention

For real. I had this amazing New Year’s, weekend, and last night I was on my way home from it. On 40- it’s dark, kind of misty but everything seems to be moving along. I’m on the phone with Tim, and we’re catching up and I notice this guy in front of me slowing down. And the car in front of him is going even slower. But I didn’t think much of it, since I was only a couple of miles from my exit and thought I could put up with driving slowly.

Then, things took a downhill turn. The car in front of the car in front of me weaved out of the lane, back in to the lane and came to a complete stop. Which means the car in front of me had to come to a complete stop. Which means that I had to. I looked in the rearview mirror and realized the car behind me was going to run into me and the car behind was going to run into and there were more cars and all I could think was how ridiculous it would be to be in a wreck on a Sunday evening less than 4 miles from my house.

I had to stop, ended up having to slam on brakes and when I looked back all I saw was headlights. Then, thankfully, the cars behind me swerved onto the shoulder. I had actually closed my eyes without even realizing it, and when I opened them I was a) still alive, b) shocked that I wasn’t crying and c) really angry that someone would either be drunk or insane on 40 with cars traveling an average of probably 70 mph. There was this silence (I had actually hung up the phone, thankfully) and I couldn’t remember the last time I thought I was going to be in a really bad situation and then wasn’t.

We kept driving. Everyone pulled back onto the highway and thankfully enough people behind us had seen what was going ..d into the far left lane to give us room to get back on track. It’s so funny how something like that happens and you start going through what would have been. For me, it’s what would people see when they went through my apartment? How long would it have taken for someone who knew me to be reached?

So many things have stressed me out the last few days, so maybe I just really needed a reality check. I needed to know that there is more than what I continually turn to. I am constantly thinking I have this Buddhist philosophy on life, and yet I don’t always apply it. Last night, I was definitely angry at the guy who was weaving around in traffic. The weird part is that I thought about the other people he could have hurt- not necessarily me, but people with kids, people who have others depending on them. I’m lucky. I guess Lucy and Nigel depend on me, but I think that’s it. It’s just a weird feeling to come so close to not knowing what would happen to you and then everything just return to normal within maybe, I don’t know, 3 minutes? How everything that I knew could have changed (or theoretically ended, but maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic- I mean, I have about 10 airbags in my car) and how different today would have been if I had not been able to stop or if the cars behind me had not gone off the road. The most amazing thing to me is that it felt like I wasn’t reacting at all. Not just slowly- AT ALL. I didn’t even consider leaving the road, and I don’t know why. I wonder if that says something about me- that I was unwilling to abandon asphalt for the rough terrain on the side of the road? That I was too stubborn to move? That I was too afraid? I’m not sure.

What I like about what happened last night is the reality check part. I know that most of the time I mention my “near death experiences” in passing, kind of as jokes because they’re normally not even close. But for some reason this one affected me more. And it’s certainly not like I haven’t been in close calls on the highway. But I felt my heart stop, just briefly, and I know my eyes closed. When they reopened, I was fine.

OKay, I’m completely updating. Sorry it’s been so long- so I’ll post my myspace posts on here starting now….

Holidays at Home
Current mood: amused
Category: Religion and Philosophy

For the most part, I’m highly satisfied with the events that transpired over the holidays. I got to see Joe, Emily, Tim, Bonnie, Lee, Susannah, Bonnie G., my cousins, my nieces and nephew, my brothers and my grandmother (essential since she has been in and out of the hospital lately). I spent time walking the giant dog, watching every Christmas movie I could get my hands on, and being chased by animals while running. I also read a lot and played the piano every day and reveled in the smell of garlands and Christmas spirit. Here are some quotes to spread that holiday cheer along….

My favorite things this season:

“Katherine’s hitting every one! If I didn’t know any better, I’d have to say she’s played the Wii before…”

“If I did find $20, it’s not like I’d give it back to you. I’d defintiely keep it.”

“So our dessert options are as follows: coconut cake, yellow cake with chocolate icing, carrot cake, cookies, homemade candy.” “What about diabetes? Is that an option?”

“Are you aware of how many dangerous dogs are left out?I had a chihuahua on me for a quarter mile!”

Christmas Vacation, Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas Carol, The Grinch who Stole Christmas, Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special, A Christmas Story (I think the bits and pieces added up to watching it twice on TNT), some weird Lifetime movie marathon

“I think we should remove the hardware before we prime.”

“Straight Johnny Walker would be excellent. Never mind, Mom is watching, water it down.”

” I have no Christmas Spirit left. So please don’t tell me how great this holiday is. I just want it to be over.”

“Is there someone special in your life?”

“It’s the only time of the year when there’s a good chance you’re going to be trapped in a house with most of your family for hours and hours. Even if we try to be dishonest, at some point the honesty will seep through. And that will equal disaster.”

“Do these dashboard hula girls actually hula?”

“I’m sorry, but “bobbing for apples” as a Club Cranium card is just wrong. Acting that out makes it worse.”

“So two people with master’s degrees can’t figure out what “Arrrrrt!” is?”

“What are you doing in Target the night before Christmas Eve?”

“I deal with it by smiling and nodding. A lot. Maybe an excessive amount. I might tone down the smiling and nodding and add in monosyllables this year.”

“You have to have a degree to be a librarian?”

Yesterday I met with my advisor and found out that I’m really on my way to graduating in May. While I am ecstatic that I will get through my master’s paper and enjoy having a lovely piece of paper to hang on my wall, I’m also a little sad. Last night I was out with some friends from out of town and we were talking about how much this program changed us. Yeah, there is the school part of it, but we were referring to the better part of it- meaning the “I’ve met so many great friends” stuff.

It’s true. I don’t know what I would have done had I been in another program or not met the people that I’ve been lucky enough to hang out with during my time here. Making the choice to move back to NC was really tough- as y’all know, I adore everything about NYC from the Rockefeller Christmas Tree to that crazy homeless girl who lived down the street from me but always did her make-up in Sephora in the morning. Leaving behind everything that I had built there wasn’t easy, but I’m so glad I did. I’m finally feeling really good about choices I’m making and know that I’m making them for the right reasons.

One of my friends is preparing to move to New York, and I think I’ve given him a completely biased view of it. He was really worried about what was going to happen once he was up there, and I told him it was all about just doing it. Taking hte leap and accepting the consequences. I’ll never forget my dad driving me to the airport that last time before I moved. We had this amazing conversation about choices, about how proud he was of me, about how he knew that whatever I did would be fine because he trusted me. Not to get all sentimental, but my dad rarely has those conversations with me, so I was pretty pumped.

Last week we had another conversation, just about where I was now. He was cracking up about me receiving “Football MVP” of the year considering I could barely catch a football when I was peer pressured into signing up for intramurals. We were talking about all the changes I’d been through in the last year, and how glad I was to be where I am now. A lot of times (if I’m allowed to wake up on my own and not with the voices of Morning Edition) I actually wake up smiling and excited because I have faith in the system.

What system? I don’t have a clue. But I believe in instinct and I believe in listening and I believe in throwing yourself into something and if that doesn’t work, throwing yourself into something else. Hopefully that’s enough to take me through. It’s also getting close to the end of the year and I’m starting to think about what I would love for 2009. So I’m working on my New Year’s Resolutions early (as opposed to my last final). I’ll post drafts of them, and then the final version as it comes to me. Here’s the first draft (in no particular order) of what I would want, in my own Katherinesque version of the world:

1) To be published (and yes, y’all, I might be working on it :-))
2) True love (isn’t this always on my list? If not, it should be)
3) Graduation
4) Going somewhere- I’m getting the craving for a non-English adventure and/or cathedrals, and I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself. This week I renewed my passport, so I’m ready. Plus I’m really missing Cat. And baguettes.
5) Doing an international-distance Triathlon
6) Learning something completely new
7) Heading back to the barn: for the last couple of years I’ve barely ridden since I’ve been busy doing other stuff, but I miss the feeling of flying across a field and trusting such an amazing creature with yourself
8) Spending a lot of time floating around the lake, or the ocean, or someone’s pool. Promise. If not floating, then kayaking or skiing diving or looking for catfish as big as men.
9) Trusting myself as much as I trust others.
10) Spending more time in bed (did I mention I love my bed? It’s super comfortable, and I love it) Maybe I’ll just start hanging out there.

Sure, there are other things. World peace is always at the top of the list, along with seeing great shows and eating good food and laughing a lot. But those are just the first….. I’ve decided to limit myself to ten, so we’ll see how they evolve over the next few weeks. And how I procrastinate.