Our tree is finally up. It was a debacle of sorts that started at Thanksgiving. On the way to Thanksgiving dinner we passed one of those lots that is essentially a strand of lights surround some fir trees. “We should get a Christmas tree.” I […]
We celebrated our first Thanksgiving. Im going to give you the same spill I give my students during this time of the year. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Inevitably everyone wants to know why Christmas isnt. Its the gift thing. I love presents (if you […]
Mothers Beget Mothers
Its a biological fact that we are designed to oppose our parents. Dont believe me? I challenge you to meet up with an eighth grade girl and ask her how much her parents know. Its not about the love, its about the brain. And the brain says, No! Dont let them be right! Until you have a baby.
I spent my middle and high school years scoffing at 98% of what my mother told me about everything. Then I spent college just not telling her about anything. After college I no longer needed advice (fortunately I knew everything) and went to NYC. Then I spent the majority of my twenties listening to her and doing what I wanted to anyway.
Then I had a baby. The realization that your sole purpose in life is to keep another human alive is a daunting task. But keeping another human alive and content is much, much harder. Ask anyone with a newborn at 3 a.m. how they are faring. If they were like me, they were probably curled up on the couch watching a small being in a swing (which you arent supposed to do, FYI) and crying. It does give you the realization that your parents know so much more than you gave them credit for.
A week into keeping our human alive, Matt got tonsillitis. Yeah- thats what I wrote. And it was CRAZY. WE HAD A NEWBORN. No one in our house was sleeping but now I was on my own with a newborn since my husband had an infectious disease and had to be quarantined from both of us. Finally the day came when I realized I was going to have to return the baby. I was not able to take care of such a small creature on my own. I cried and then tried to figure out how I was going to tell Matt that we were going to have to take the baby back. Fortunately common sense prevailed (you dont really want to return the baby, its the hormones) and I called my mother. Who showed up with a packed bag, and essentially took over for a bit. Because mothers know things that novices dont- like how to calm a screaming baby who is full, changed and seems unhurt. Check. How many blankets you should pile on the little booger. Check. Rocking for hours at a time while the actual mother sleeps. Check.
I never thought I would be considering asking my mother or mother-in-law to move in with us, but I consider it all the time. Legitimately figuring out a way to approach it that wont just get turned down. Thats why Im always offering to let them stay beyond when they had planned to, thanking them profusely, and praying that maybe this time they will realize we are having a tough go of parenthood. Motherhood is really hard. Really hard. Im sure my own mother had no idea, right?
Its not about whether or not it takes a village to raise a child, its that you WANT a village to help take care of yours. When Sarah Leighton was just over six weeks old, I headed with her up to the lake. It was a big deal. One of the longest hours of my life as we drove and I anxiously kept peering at her. While there, we had some old family friends visit. One of them, S, who has two little boys of her own looked at us and said, You should come to our place tonight. We have a much higher adult baby ratio. There are only three of you for her. We laughed but we laughed becauseit was true. Three adults and one baby? That baby is going to kick your tail. She will take on everyone around her and win.
Once we understand that we are both leading and at the mercy of an incredible yet tiny being, it becomes much easier. Once I stopped making it about things I didnt know before, hadnt been told, and let SL explain her needs, it became more pleasant too. The other day at lunch one of my colleagues told me she remembered looking at her own daughter early on and realizing that she was keeping a human alive. But she said if she failed her, if she lost her at this point even, it would have brought her more joy than anything in her life she could have imagined. For me, it was this profound moment because I understood exactly what she meant. That from the moment you hold that baby, you are involved in the most important and enthralling project youll ever take on. That you both created a human and are in charge of shaping him or her into a productive citizen (I hope). But you wont do it alone.
You may not have your mother to teach you how to become a mother. But you will have people in your life that will help you form this person, even at 2 a.m.. And if youre like me, youre going to consider multiple ways of coercing them into moving into your home. Once there, hopefully they can teach you the skills youll need to pass onto your own child so the night they call you, flipping out because theyve just realized that their baby may never sleep or stop crying again, youll be ready to show them that they can do it, too.
Getting ready in the morning is a delicate creature. Its become this crazy balance. Leap out of bed on (a ridiculously low single digit number ) hours of sleep, brush teeth, wash face, check that clothes are laid out. Tiptoe downstairs, praying that baby stays […]
When I was pregnant, people started talking to me about sleep. I heard lots of advice about sleeping as much as possible, sleeping when the baby sleeps, etc. And it wasnt that I didnt believe them, or that I didnt think sleep was important. It […]
So I just checked on the last blog post I wrote and- GASP!- it was over a month ago. I’m pulling the new mom card as I write this, and also want to point out that it is almost 3 on a Monday and I have yet to take a shower. It is one of those days. Baby Girl is not feeling well, which means I’m not feeling well either. Since if she doesn’t sleep, nobody sleeps. But that’s not what the focus of this post is. The focus of this post is a recap of all that I thought I would get done during maternity leave and to let y’all know how that went….
1. Unpacking boxes: We moved when she was 1.5 weeks old. Enough said. Lesson learned- don’t purchase a house shortly before your baby is born. Really. As I write this in our “office” (read: Junk Room, I can see around me roughly 15 boxes. The good news is they are getting unpacked, albeit slowly. Very, very slowly. And I almost daily groan/sigh and say “Why can’t I find —-? Where is it?” which is when Matt points out there are more boxes in the mini-storage. Yikes.
2. Cultural things: I imagined myself and this sweet, sleepy baby, perusing the Art Museum on a regular basis, cruising through down town History Museum, going to story time at the library. Maybe catching an art film on a slow Thursday. Yes, really. I thought we’d be hanging out at the art museum. Um, yeah…. not so much. Instead I read about other people doing those things. The most culture this child has gotten is the NC Aquarium, and she slept through the river otters (but woke up to briefly admire the sea turtle hatchlings!)
3. Reevaluating my life: I knew we would be spending a lot of time at home, and just imagine that time would be spent taking care of the baby (obviously) but then I would also be journaling, working on financial stuff, organizing papers and writing…. since this is my second blogpost all summer, you can tell how that went.
Now, on to what maternity leave actually WAS:
1. Taking care of a person: I mean, 24/7 taking care of a person. Sacrificing everything from normal mealtimes to Hopscotch 2013, skipping things I normally do (like running, swimming, having an adult conversation) and just taking care of teeny person who has a very limited means to communicate. This is a tactful way of saying she screams until we figure out what she wants. Or sometimes she just screams because life outside the womb isn’t easy.
2. Reconnecting with friends: Since I was nursing in my home pretty much all day, every day, anyone could drop by to hang out with me. One of my really close friends was unemployed this summer, giving us both ample time to laugh about those suckers who were gainfully employed. Not really, but that should have been on the list.
3. Realizing how much bigger than myself the capacity to love is (here is where it gets sappy): When people say you have no idea unless you have a baby, you have no idea unless you have a baby. I remember marveling at my growing belly and thinking about how weird it was that a human was in there. When she arrived, we looked at each other- me excited, her cautious since she had just been traumatized. Every day when I look at her I feel a little more love for her, and the excitement over her accomplishments is exponential (you SMILED! you blew a BUBBLE! You grabbed your FOOT! all said in a high pitched baby voice)
4. Becoming a capable adult: While I can no longer guarantee my ability to get anywhere at a given time, fold laundry, or answer my phone, I can say that I am more than ready to jump up when she stares into the camera from her crib (LE SIGH She has just started doing that), can get a baby dressed in a reasonable amount of time (go ahead, laugh and then Try It, friends) and make her smile.
5. Doctor Visits- it’s a whole other post I’m working on.
So, as I enter my last week of maternity leave, I’m bittersweet. Excited about seeing my students again, and learning about how their fall is going, not excited about leaving my own baby. I’m scared of missing things- rolling over on purpose, saying her first word, laughing. But I’m also hopeful, knowing that she will do those things for us, and knowing that we will be here every afternoon, knowing that she is in wonderful hands and being loved while I’m working.
What I’m taking away from this time is that it really is only about taking care of my baby. It’s not about anything else, and when we try to dedicate our time to other things and having a newborn, we end up frustrated and exhausted. Once I let go of the other stuff, I was able to see that I had this amazing opportunity to be with my baby all the time, to feed her every whim, to have an excuse to just sit and not move because I had the baby sleeping on me. Everything else that is going on has taken a backseat. Fortunately, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
If you’re thinking about what your maternity leave is going to look like, try this: Look in the mirror every day to make sure you don’t look like a serial killer. Set up a nursing station as if you may never leave that chair/sofa/rocker (and some days you might not). Stretch often, like everytime you’re not holding a baby. Get some Fresh Air. And know this is the most precious and fleeting time in your life that you will ever experience.
When I last posted, I was 37 weeks pregnant, incredibly uncomfortable, and very warm. I questioned the validity of doing the pregnancy thing another whole 3 weeks, then rationalized that it was better since we would get to move and kind of get settled in […]
Okay, so I have been super slack since school let out. And yet, so ridiculously busy! Turns out nesting is a real pregnant lady syndrome, and is NOT fun in your temporary apartment. When I was told that Baby Girl was in “go” position, I […]
I can think of one summer I have missed family beach week. There might be two, but I can only think of one. I’m being serious. I didn’t even miss beach week the summer I was born. My mom packed herself up along with 6 week old me, and hauled me to Holden, where I proceeded to spend the week in various people’s arms on the front porch, even though there is one picture of a stroller or carseat covered in a sheet or something on the beach that supposedly contained me. We are serious Southern beach goers.I am always shocked when I meet people who did not go to the beach as a kid. It makes me wonder, “What did you do with your family vacation?” You may try to impress me with your trips to the Grand Canyon and Yosemite, but I’ll take the sand between my toes and a giant hat over that any day.
Which is why there was no reason to think that I wasn’t going this year. Just a few short weeks ago, my MD gave me the travel clear and just suggested I stay hydrated. Today, that changed. Disclaimer: Part of this conversation is posted as my status update, so it’s not you, it’s true, I’m reusing my words. I went in for my normal check up, was measured, heartbeat was found, and then the doctor started pushing around, searching for the head. That’s when I admitted my fears that she was not head down, but in fact was still lying transverse. Head can’t be found. Dr. mentions that they’ll let it go until next week, and then we’ll start talking options. I tell her I watched a version on TV this morning, and it looked not so fun, but definitely more fun than a c-section.
Dr.: Well, I think I’m just going to do a quick ultrasound and we’ll figure out how she’s lying. (goes to retrieve machine, boots up)
Me: How’s it looking?
Dr.: Great! She is head down, just pretty low lying.
Me: Yay!! Whoo hoo! Wait, so what have I been feeling the last few days?
Dr.: Her butt.
Pulls me to sitting, and I begin to run down my list of complaints disguised as questions: pain when turning over (normal), ankle swelling (normal), itching (normal), small aliens coming out of my ear and instructing me on how to do basic household tasks (also normal…. hmm… is she listening to me?) finally, last question, just to confirm what I have already planned:
Me: Just one more. I’m fine to travel by myself, yes? Driving and everything?
Doctor: Oh, sure, you’re fine.
Me: Great, because I’m heading to the beach next week and wanted to make sure…
Doctor: What? The beach? I meant traveling locally.
Me: I can’t go to the beach?
Doctor: Did you want to have your baby at the beach?
Me: Well, no, but I was thinking…
Doctor (shaking her head and writing something on my chart- how many times has the word delusional popped up beside these visits?): No way. I’m saying you could get down there and your water could break. You need to stay here.
Me: No beach?
Doctor: Not unless you find that it is an hour or less away.
There were a few more niceties, then I was sent on my way to schedule next week’s appointment.
Receptionist: Hi! Is there a particular day or time that works best for you?
Me: It doesn’t matter. I’ll be here. (sigh)
Receptionist: Okay, great. We have…proceeds to list the days….
Me: I should be at the beach.
Receptionist: What?
Me: Those dates sound peachy!
I think this is the first time the whole pregnancy that I have really felt pouty. Like consistently don’t mess with me I’m in a bad mood pouty about my “delicate condition”. Up until now I’ve been fine because I thought we had plenty of time and I had lots of time to do what I wanted to. Turns out that is not so true. when I got out of the office I called Matt to give him the update. And what was his response? No “Oh, I’m so sad you won’t get to bask in the sweet glow of summertime ocean”, No, “What about visiting your friends at the coast?” Only: “Okay. We need to really start getting things ready. let’s go ahead and start preparing. Should we have a bag packed?” Um, right now the bag i’m thinking of has a hat, sunscreen and a maternity bathing suit. I guess someone in our relationship has to be the responsible one.
This post is not about our house, just as a warning. You are about to delve into the mind of an educator who believes in public education, in the right to that education, and also believes that if you are able, you should be helping […]
