My Life In Something Small
My Life in Something Small
Current mood: confident
Category: Blogging
So, since the last time I posted, I have:
a. fallen in love
b. written a master’s paper
c. started training for my second marathon
d. seen the mountains in two seasons
e. returned to yoga after a long absence
f. graduated with a Master’s degree
g. become the most over educated Nanny I know of
h. has more time to actually think about what i want to do than at any other period of my existence.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about being unemployed in my entire life. Usually i run around like crazy looking for the next gig to get me through but this time I’m determined to take it slow and figure out what it is that I’m looking for. Back in the fall all I was doing was running, putting aside all my other training and trying to seek out something that can’t be found by simply moving.
In the spring I was so focused on my master’s paper I almost destroyed several friendships and watched as I had meltdowns consistently and in odd places. Then,I turned it in. Finished. I stopped being mean and stressed out and started cleaning my place. I mean really cleaning. Not vacuuming and dusting but looking at everything that I have accumulated in the last 26 years and tried to figure out if it’s still relevant in my life. It is an amazing thing to throw things out and sell things and let things leave your life knowing that it will only make it better. I don’t think I’ve ever been this focused on simplifying who I am and what I am than right this second. Each time I let go of old articles and papers and research I feel lighter, literally.
The “in love” thing is private. What I do feel like I can say about it is that if you are not ecstatic at the thought of being with someone, don’t commit to them. If you want them to change, don’t commit to them. And if you don’t want the same things, don’t commit to them. That is all.
In the process of cleaning out things, I found this list I wrote a few years ago called “What I want to do”. Actually what I meant was what wanted to do before I was 30 but I don’t think I specified that. Reading it was awesome. It gives me so much hope of what can happen over the next few months or years, and I’m so glad that I think in terms of adventures and experiences instead of focusing on permanence. The only thing I would want permanent in my life is one great love. Besides that, I’ll live whereever- Romania, France, Tanzania. I’ll climb mountains or leap off waterfalls or photograph a village or bathe in the sea. And I will always return to my friends a better person, hopefully.
That list is what I think is going to help me get through this summer. I’ve never been in a place of such transition and yet so certain about things. I hung it up on the wall beside my computer. It makes me smile.
