Compromises that We Shouldn’t Always Make
I think I had already warned my friend I was going to blog about this, but I’m definitely changing names and details to protect the innocent, and the not so innocent. Last night we’re playing catch up, and “Laurie” (androgynous enough, you think?) confesses that during their marriage, his/her spouse would not French-kiss them. Middle school is what you’re thinking right now, but bear with me. I was horrified, because I’ve known “Laurie” for years and had no idea that this was going on. It’s obviously not about the kissing, because if both partners agree on it, it’s not a big deal. To me, it was about the spouse’s unwillingness to try it because of an experience they had in high school with a bad kisser. It was about not trusting their partner enough to do something new, or try something again with a new partner. “Laurie” was talking about how this should have been a sign (there were many) that they weren’t on a level playing field and I completely agreed. We talked about the 10/90 theory- if it’s good, it’s 10% of a relationship, but if it’s bad, it’s going to be 90%.
When I think about what I want out of a relationship, what I want is a partner I’m on equal terms with. Someone that I trust enough to be vulnerable with, that I’m willing to go out on a limb for, and that I’m willing to try new things with. For “Laurie” their partner wouldn’t do this- the control issue got in the way on a regular basis in their marriage, and eventually it failed. So we got through that conversation and then “Laurie” wanted to talk about my love life. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?
For me, this year has been amazing. I’ve gained such a huge amount of insight into who I’m becoming and determined that it’s not so bad. While I’m always writing,I really like what I’m writing now, and I’m looking for ways to put it out there instead of letting those ways appear to me. I’m running races (which it turns out I love) and spending time with friends, and really being happy for those who have found what they want in their life- whether that’s moving to Rome or adding a baby to their family. There are so many great things going on. Change is always hard but I told “Laurie” that I’m starting to really like who I’m becoming. And that one day, someone would see me for everything I am, and decide that they want to be with me. Decide that my good points, like always being up for an adventure, smiling a lot, loving the beach and the lake, speaking French when highly intoxicated, keeping secrets indefinitely, folding laundry perfectly, would outweigh my bad points- over scheduling, being late to things, singing loudly in the car, having an obsession with NPR, and feeling the need to do the Sprinkler when dancing with Cat or Jess. The best part? I’m okay with waiting for that moment. We can’t control everything in our lives, and letting go of that is one of the scariest moments I can think of. It reminds me of diving in the Quarry- where just for a moment, you’re suspended off the rock face, and you don’t know what’s going to happen as you tumble down towards the water. But, for some reason, you have faith and trust that you’re probably going to be all right. And it’s this that I’m working with. I’m so happy about having an opportunity to completely change my path, about the excitement of looking for a job and not knowing where I’m going to end up.
It’s so frightening to be honest with yourself and with others. But as this year winds down, I want to thank you so much- thank you for being a friend (isn’t that the theme song from Golden Girls?), thank you for listening, for taking me out, for hanging out on the couch watching movies or my dvr (please, no judging), for being everything amazing that I could ask for out of friends. You will never know the depths to which I love you all, but I do. Even as I write this, I’m smiling like an insane person. Mostly because I’m thinking of really hilarious quotes and moments from this year, but also because I’m so happy that you are my friends, that you trust me to come over to your apartments/homes in the middle of the night, or discuss some ridiculous Lifetime movie over coffee. That you want me to come see you abroad (and I will!), that you give me a place to stay in New York, that you let me be a part of your weddings, that you’ll spend three hours on the phone with me talking about nothing or everything. Also, thanks for reading this blog. I keep up with the views (I can’t see who reads it but I can see how many of your do), and obviously no one random cares what I think.
Yes, I’m aware that this is a really long blog, but it’s heading towards Christmas and y’all know how ridiculously sentimental I am underneath the calm, level exterior. Or at least I try to give the impression of a calm, level, exterior….
